Hi! Let me introduce myself.

For my sociology class, we have an assignment to write about who we are – an autobiography for the first 20 years of our lives… and I figured that I would brainstorm here, so you can get to know me a little bit more.

I am incredibly cautious of other people. I have problems making eye contact when I’m talking to people – I’ve noticed this increasingly that even a lot of time with my boyfriend C, I avoid eye contact. Do I have a mental disease? Or am I shameful of who I am? Am I self conscious? What is going on here? I feel most in my element when I’m making people laugh, but when it comes to being serious and settling down into the boringness of life, I’m very quiet, very reserved – sometimes I feel like I like to occupy as little space as possible and just observe people like a fly on the wall – I think it’s annoying to talk just for the sake of talking.

My biggest dream would be to create content on YouTube. I’ve tried vlogging (video logging) several times, and I find that it would be easier if I could do it WITH someone and not just talk to a camera. Adding in a person like C would make the content a lot more interesting, because then we could bounce off of each other. Something about recording life is very comforting to me – being able to look back on my trip to Bermuda with my parents is kind of… incredible? 

On the other hand, I find it really peaceful to not talk at all. I don’t know, it’s just safe. I think that a lot of girls are really vicious, especially in college. It’s been hard for me to find genuine friends, and I feel like I really lost my identity when I came to college. I always feel like I’m a little girl watching the big kids do their thing – or the adults, I should say… I don’t want to be the silent one, but at the same time, this is how I’m comfortable. The certain girls that I fell into the crowd with are really loud and obnoxious and love to party and all that stuff. Drugs and drinking and smoking have always frightened me. I always felt “above” it, and I think that this gives me a really obnoxious air about me – I think it makes people think that I’m better than them when I actually really want to feel accepted by them, but I’m conflicted between my values and having people like me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t change myself. I should just be myself, and people who are truly interested in being my friend will be my friend. It’s easy to say that when you don’t feel alone though. 

Wow, I am tired. Tired. Tired. I had my first psychology midterm today – let me tell you: I am not good at tests. No matter how hard or long I study, I don’t do well on tests, but psychology is really interesting. I was lucky that the open response question was something that I knew. It was on the experiment with the rats and the effects that stress had on rats that were impregnated and their babies. This was a Thompson study if you want to look it up. Nature ended up being more important than nature.

I’ve always been the girl who stuck out. I played the violin in elementary school, and every Christmas, I would play a solo violin piece in front of the entire school. I loved being in the spotlight – I felt like being ostracized for being different was something to gloat about. I’ve always gotten very close (almost too close) with boyfriends, but when it came to girls that wanted to be my friend, I always ended up pushing them away. My earliest memory of having girlfriends was in kindergarten when these two groups of girls were fighting over me. One group: L & C, were doing cartwheels on one side of the playground, and T and a few other girls were trying to “steal” me away. It felt good to be wanted… but at the same time, I felt like it was a severely stressful debacle. Teachers always forgot about me, because I was so quiet. I remember in Kindergarten, we’d each get a little placard, and each week we’d get a certain number of stickers depending on how good we were… Once, my kindergarten teacher totally forgot to give me my placard back. In third grade, our teacher gave out a chocolate easter bunny each week to the student who was best behaved that week… She totally forgot about me. Every week, I was so excited to possibly be awarded and applauded for my good, quiet behavior, but it never came. In high school, I took German. I didn’t play sports, which made me not in the popular crowd. I was concert mistress for my orchestra, and I was even anti-social with the people in orchestra.

Boy, do I sound unlikeable!

I really rejected myself in elementary through high school. Honestly, I didn’t want to be categorized into the “typical Asians” group at any of my schools… but to be honest, I am extremely Asian in the way that I am really proud of my culture. I think Confucius is incredibly interesting. I think Ancient Chinese history and actually all of Chinese history to be incredibly interesting. I think Hello Kitty is cute. I like pink. I haven’t been able to admit that to myself ever. I never wanted to like pink, because I didn’t want to be seen as a typical girl. 

Hm. Seems like I’m learning a bit about myself here… More tomorrow. xo

Valentine’s Day & Other News xoxo

I remember how important it is to write down things so that I can look back and remember them one day. Today it snowed again, and I’m getting really tired of it. Seriously, weather gods, cut it out. It’s not funny anymore. Yup, we’re all going to die apocalyptically. 

Okay, so yesterday was Valentine’s day, and I didn’t go to school. I was going to, but I had just missed my train, and I was like, ok, shit, if I go now for my one class, I’m going to be late. Then, it started snowing sideways, and I was like, F this, peace out, I’m going to get my NEW LENS. I went to Hunt’s Photo Sho in Kenmore, and they didn’t have it. The guy there said that he would call me when they did, and so I went downstairs to Starbucks to mope around and look up other photo stores. When I came out of the shop though, K was there!!! It was so serendipitous and crazy and unexpected. And we both just looked at each other like Is this really happening?? And it was, and we talked about how crazy and stupid people are like we always do – I think it’s our “thing,” and then she had to go, because her boss was coming to pick her up for her job, and I went to starbucks, got a caramel frap (IT WAS DELICIOUS), and I overheard an interviewer interviewing an interviewee for a job, and this interviewee takes a call in the middle of her interview and proceeds to text. Like, what? Honestly? Come on. 

Anyway, then I went home and started to get ready, watched YouTube on how to Valentine’s day hair, whatever that means, curled my hair, C came over, and we hung out in my room, watched an amazing Bob Ross video of him painting a beautiful picture (I WOULD LOVE ONE OF THESE ONE DAY. TOTALLY AMAZING. AMAZEBALLS. SOOOO AMAZING.) Then, we played around with my lens, cuddled for a little bit, and we went out. We went to Shaws (Brown Sugar was closed for break…3-4. ugh.). At Shaws, we got 99 cent white bread (stupidly I thought the ducks would be out downtown at the Boston Common), I gave my plethora of Valentine’s Day candy that I had gotten from T and from my boss to a homeless person, and then we went on the bus to go to Kenmore — to go to UBURGER! I got a Stunt Double Burger with onion rings — it was good at the time, but I really regretted this decision later. Like, really. Then we went to the Boston Common, played with some squirrels, went to C’s house, looked at photo albums of him being a very strange looking baby, then we hung out, went to McDonalds, and he took me home. It was really nice. For the first time, I could really see myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with him in a very genuine way. It was genuine before, but this was on a whole other level. It’s just so nice to connect with someone on such a pure and genuine level – a genuine kind of love that has no other intentions – to truly love someone is a very raw and beautiful thing. You’re exposing yourself completely to this other person, and it feels …naked. When it hurts, oh, it hurts so so so so so bad. It feels like the end of the world. Nothing else matters. The pain pierces through every part of your body, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. No one can say or do anything to make you stop loving your love even if it hurts so much. But when it’s good, it’s heaven. That’s the best way I can describe it. It’s magical. It’s …yeah, it’s magical. 

So today was a bit of a lazy day. A and his mom came over to get advice about picking classes, and it was really good to be honest about my high school experience. I told them about how much I procrastinated studying and learning math concepts and how I would spend math class studying for AP Enviro (we just had so much reading every single night) — It felt good to be honest. It always feels good to be honest and to share experiences with A. My aunt told me about how when she was little, she hated history, because her history textbooks would be lies. She read many, many books, which is why she knew they were lies. My grandpa would insist that the textbooks were truth, because he was part of that “party.” I was afraid to ask what party she was referring to, and I’m just not going to think about it, I guess. Anyway, I shared my physics flashlight, which I really love — A is deciding between taking physics and chem, and I advocate for physics, but of course everyone is saying that physics is a lot of math…. but honestly, the math is not hard, and chem was harder for me to grasp… definitely. 

Today, mom told me to feel a bath mat. It was wet. She asked me what I felt. I said, it feels wet. Then she said, oh this is the princess lifestyle, she brings things up when they’re wet. I was soo confused and annoyed. Then I realized, she thought I had brought these clothes up. Nope. Then I reveled for a little while she complained, and I said, I didn’t bring them up. Then she said who did??? And I said, Dad did. And then she asked Dad…and he said he brought them up because the time on the dryer was up. And then, I was like I think you owe me an apology, and my aunt was laughing, and I got no apology. TYPICAL. TYPICAL. SO TYPICAL. SO ANNOYING. But it’s okay – since it clearly has not affected her day, I shouldn’t let it affect mine. Letting it goooo….

Goodnight. Xo

Just say no!

We were talking about the Stanford Prison Experiment & the Milgram Experiment in sociology class today, and it made me really annoyed how we went over the concepts & didn’t really discuss anything. The way my sociology professor teaches is really annoying… She asks for definitions and examples of things and then says “Ok,” and moves onto the next term that we have to know… Like…what. There’s no point in going to class.

My environmental economics professor still isn’t back from wherever she’s gone yet, and it’s been two weeks… She has some family emergency abroad  😦 I feel bad for her, but the substitute professor is really awesome & he’s been very entertaining. We watched part of a documentary called Chasing Ice today (I really like documentaries, and I can’t wait to watch Blackfish with C). I’m starting to fall behind on the readings, so I’ll have to push myself not to have youtube playing in the background while I read… It just feels lonely not having any background noise, but at the same time, I get very distracted when I have background noise on… Maybe I’ll put on some noises from Sleep Pillow…?

I’ve been seeing VISIBLE results from exercising these past couple of days!!! Like, what?? I don’t remember the feeling of having a visible dip in my midsection — what is this?? A WAIST???? Incredible. It’s pretty interesting how people pop pills and go on juice cleanses trying to figure out what the “secret” of losing weight is when it’s not a secret at all. Burn more calories than you eat. Eat well & drink water. Go to sleep earlier. The end. My dad said that he read in the paper that going to bed later contributes to gaining weight, and I definitely believe that. For my case, DEFINITELY. Why? Because when I stay up, I start to feel hungry, and then I wander downstairs and heat up a frozen pizza, and I eat all of it, and then I fall asleep. Totally unproductive, totally didn’t use those calories for anything, so the pizza just sits in my body doing nothing useful for me…

Don’t get me wrong – I love my body. I absolutely love my body… but I want to, at the same time, put good things in it, because I deserve it, and this is the only body I’m ever going to have, so I might as well love it and take care of it. The human body can do some amazing things. I don’t want to not be able to run and dance and prance around one day. The Friendly’s chocolate ice cream I bought today on a whim beckons me… It’s in the basement, and I can hear it calling my name…. Ahh…Chocolate ice cream is so good to me…

Edit:

photo (3)Froyo C bought us yesterday from Pinkberry 🙂

 

“The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.” -Paulo Coelho

It’s official: I’m only going to have one class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and it’s at 1. Yup. That’s right. And it’s an interesting class too! It’s on political thought in early china. It’s a philosophy, history, and theology class all rolled into one, and after today’s class, I’m really excited to do work. I’m having the best semester – I love all of my classes, and I’m motivated to do well in all of them!

Oh, and I slept at around 10:30PM last night, which is really unheard of for me. Several nights during winter break, I was going to sleep around 4AM, because I would procrastinate going to sleep by watching YouTube vlogs and Big Bang Theory reruns… No wonder I felt so shitty over break… Anyway, even though my first class was at 1, I woke up at 10AM and felt like I had slept in! So I had time to do a little reading for psychology. Now that I think about it, I should really get back into using my agenda, because I have a lot of little things to do for each of my classes…

After class, I went to Staples to get college ruled filler paper & a one subject notebook for this one class that I have on MWF. I figure that I’ll use a binder for the four classes I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I’ll use a notebook for my MWF class.

Then I walked over to Coolidge Corner, and as I was walking, I took time to notice everything that I could. I thought about what these streets will look like in 5, 10, 20, 50 years? It’s pretty interesting to think about. I used to think that segways would be a huge thing, but that hasn’t really worked out… at least not yet. I know it’s a bit random, but it’s interesting to see people having conversations on the street and thinking about this one moment in time and how someone in the past or future will have a conversation in that exact same spot. What will they be talking about? And would people in the past be surprised by what these people that I saw were talking about?

…Anyway! I went to the bookstore, and I found a cute mug that was 75% off (Christmas sale!) I think it’s really cute. It makes me happy. 🙂 And it was $3!

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Then I went to the Body Shop, and I usually don’t get anything, but they were having a big holiday sale too…. I got this body polish for $5. It smells really gooood.

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Ok, I’m going to organize all of the notes that I’ve been taking, order books for my new class, figure out all that I have to read for tomorrow’s classes, do my squats, and drink water!! haha. Bye! xo

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.” -Laozi

It just had to rain today. This is what happens in Boston. You have really good weather one day, and what does that mean? Impending doom. Just kidding – I actually really like the rain. It would have been nice to have an umbrella though.

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Yeah… It was a soup day. 🙂

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I really enjoyed my psychology class today… because my professor is crazy. He told us that when he was little, he had ADD, but no one knew what ADD was, and the concept of naptime really confused him, because when he woke up in the morning, it would be like turning a dial from 0 to 1,000, and the concept of napping at 11am just didn’t work for him. So, he told us that he gets really easily distracted in class, so he’d rather us not use laptops and to not click our ballpoint pens, because “that would clearly be an act of hostility toward me.” I am absolutely taking this class – the waiting list for this psych class is more than 180 people. I’m one of the lucky ones. 😉

I also made it a point to make myself extremely uncomfortable by striking up conversations with three people today!!! And they were all really friendly and didn’t bite and didn’t end my life!!! It’s funny how frightened I am one second before I’m about to say hi and how completely relieved I was after I introduced myself. Three new potential friends today? Now, that’s an accomplishment…

I’d say that today was a big success. It felt awesome to go to a 9AM class, because I haven’t done that in two years, and 9AM feels incredibly early, but waking up at 7:15 and making it in time for a 9AM class makes me feel really productive! At this rate, I’ll have 4 Tuesday Thursday classes, and only one Monday Wednesday Friday class at 1PM.

I decided not to take multivariable calculus this semester, because I’m not prepared to do this for the rest of the semester:

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I mean, if I had prepared better, I definitely would have been able to take this class… but I’m kind of feeling …not motivated to minor in math… I’m really proud of C for doing it though. I just did so badly in Calc II that I feel like I need a lot more time to patch up holes of concepts I didn’t learn properly. Sitting in Calc discussion today was brutal..

Oh crap. I forgot to exercise today. I did a lot of walking though? And I ate well too! … I’ll do some squats tomorrow.

Little steps! I have to say, though, I feel a lot more mentally healthy now that I’m forcing myself to sleep more and take better care of my body. I just feel better, and I feel happier.

I’m going to continue being productive and get some reading done for psychology… 🙂 Have a good night, everyone! xo