Healthy State of Mind

Wow. It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted on my blog! I remember the last time I posted was when I was working on my “autobiography” for sociology on the top floor of BU’s central library with Chris, and he wrote on a little note, “You’re cute.” 

Anyway, a lot has changed since I posted in the cold middle of winter. Well…actually, it’s still really cold.

I’ve been working out semi – regularly by following along with Blogilates videos, and I can feel my body getting stronger with every workout. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it feels amazing. I love this feeling of being in control of my body. I learned that your outsides are a reflection of your insides – I had never fully made this connection between my mental and physical state of mind before, but learning this really resonated with me.

I’ve stopped eating large quantities of unhealthy food in the middle of the night… and I learned that your physique is 80% determined by what you eat. I had just never really consciously thought about my health this way before – I went to get frozen yogurt with my mom, aunt, sister, dad, and A & A the other day… I had been eating healthy all day, and I figured it would be ok to have some frozen yogurt and cookie dough… It definitely wasn’t. I woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat and rushed to the bathroom — and spewed out of all my orifices. My body was punishing me…and the cookie dough was probably poisonous. Yay.

Btw, I went to visit popo yesterday, and she was so cute. I gave her my sister’s big white teddy bear to play with in her bed, and she started playing around with it and ended up tucking the teddy bear in right next to her. My popo is like a cute little kid now haha. I gave her an orange to eat, read for enviro, and kept her company until she fell asleep. Then, I went home & mom and dad were already home talking to the guys who are working on our roof. 

Mom called me this morning at 7:15, and I was so confused and nervous – she left the stove on with eggs in it, and she asked me if the fire alarm was going off. She said that maybe dad turned the stove off for her… When I went downstairs, the inside of the pot was totally black and charred. Mom said, “I almost burned down my house and [my name],” and I thought that was pretty sweet & it made me smile, but it was so early in the morning and it smelled so bad that I didn’t say so.. Gotta show my mom that I really love her this Mother’s Day, or every day actually… I’m working on expressing my emotions outwardly to people like my mom – every time I think about doing it, it makes me want to cry. K, I still have emotional issues, but who doesn’t?

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Hi! Let me introduce myself.

For my sociology class, we have an assignment to write about who we are – an autobiography for the first 20 years of our lives… and I figured that I would brainstorm here, so you can get to know me a little bit more.

I am incredibly cautious of other people. I have problems making eye contact when I’m talking to people – I’ve noticed this increasingly that even a lot of time with my boyfriend C, I avoid eye contact. Do I have a mental disease? Or am I shameful of who I am? Am I self conscious? What is going on here? I feel most in my element when I’m making people laugh, but when it comes to being serious and settling down into the boringness of life, I’m very quiet, very reserved – sometimes I feel like I like to occupy as little space as possible and just observe people like a fly on the wall – I think it’s annoying to talk just for the sake of talking.

My biggest dream would be to create content on YouTube. I’ve tried vlogging (video logging) several times, and I find that it would be easier if I could do it WITH someone and not just talk to a camera. Adding in a person like C would make the content a lot more interesting, because then we could bounce off of each other. Something about recording life is very comforting to me – being able to look back on my trip to Bermuda with my parents is kind of… incredible? 

On the other hand, I find it really peaceful to not talk at all. I don’t know, it’s just safe. I think that a lot of girls are really vicious, especially in college. It’s been hard for me to find genuine friends, and I feel like I really lost my identity when I came to college. I always feel like I’m a little girl watching the big kids do their thing – or the adults, I should say… I don’t want to be the silent one, but at the same time, this is how I’m comfortable. The certain girls that I fell into the crowd with are really loud and obnoxious and love to party and all that stuff. Drugs and drinking and smoking have always frightened me. I always felt “above” it, and I think that this gives me a really obnoxious air about me – I think it makes people think that I’m better than them when I actually really want to feel accepted by them, but I’m conflicted between my values and having people like me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t change myself. I should just be myself, and people who are truly interested in being my friend will be my friend. It’s easy to say that when you don’t feel alone though. 

Wow, I am tired. Tired. Tired. I had my first psychology midterm today – let me tell you: I am not good at tests. No matter how hard or long I study, I don’t do well on tests, but psychology is really interesting. I was lucky that the open response question was something that I knew. It was on the experiment with the rats and the effects that stress had on rats that were impregnated and their babies. This was a Thompson study if you want to look it up. Nature ended up being more important than nature.

I’ve always been the girl who stuck out. I played the violin in elementary school, and every Christmas, I would play a solo violin piece in front of the entire school. I loved being in the spotlight – I felt like being ostracized for being different was something to gloat about. I’ve always gotten very close (almost too close) with boyfriends, but when it came to girls that wanted to be my friend, I always ended up pushing them away. My earliest memory of having girlfriends was in kindergarten when these two groups of girls were fighting over me. One group: L & C, were doing cartwheels on one side of the playground, and T and a few other girls were trying to “steal” me away. It felt good to be wanted… but at the same time, I felt like it was a severely stressful debacle. Teachers always forgot about me, because I was so quiet. I remember in Kindergarten, we’d each get a little placard, and each week we’d get a certain number of stickers depending on how good we were… Once, my kindergarten teacher totally forgot to give me my placard back. In third grade, our teacher gave out a chocolate easter bunny each week to the student who was best behaved that week… She totally forgot about me. Every week, I was so excited to possibly be awarded and applauded for my good, quiet behavior, but it never came. In high school, I took German. I didn’t play sports, which made me not in the popular crowd. I was concert mistress for my orchestra, and I was even anti-social with the people in orchestra.

Boy, do I sound unlikeable!

I really rejected myself in elementary through high school. Honestly, I didn’t want to be categorized into the “typical Asians” group at any of my schools… but to be honest, I am extremely Asian in the way that I am really proud of my culture. I think Confucius is incredibly interesting. I think Ancient Chinese history and actually all of Chinese history to be incredibly interesting. I think Hello Kitty is cute. I like pink. I haven’t been able to admit that to myself ever. I never wanted to like pink, because I didn’t want to be seen as a typical girl. 

Hm. Seems like I’m learning a bit about myself here… More tomorrow. xo

I love Boo.

I got a Boo stuffed animal today, and it is so, so, so cute, and I didn’t even want to snip the tags off, but I did, and now we’re snuggling in bed together. Funny, wasn’t expecting to see this stuffed animal at Paper Source, but I did… I also bought an oreo cupcake from Party Favors that was pretty good — the frosting tasted a bit plastic-y though ick..

On my way to the Comm Ave shuttle bus from Cleveland Circle, I called C, because he sent me a text this morning saying that he missed me and wanted to hear the sound of my voice. It was so sweet 🙂 So I called him, and we talked about how he was waiting for his laptop’s keyboard to be fixed, and I talked about my idea for my public policy paper – women’s employment related to care of 65+ year old parents… I kind of don’t know at all what direction this paper is going to go, but I really want to do something interesting. He also kept trying to guess what I got him for his birthday, which is coming up really soon!! March 18th! He’s turning 22 – that’s kind of crazy. I’m turning 21 in August??? What?????? Really weird, I know. So I got him these sneakers from Steve Madden for $20! They were like $100 before, so I’m really happy about it.. 🙂 He guessed a loofah, because in a recent Good Mythical Morning episode (YouTube – Rhett and Link), Rhett mentioned that a loofah was on the top of his Valentine’s Day wish list, because he would be too embarrassed to buy a loofah himself… haha it’s so fun talking to C  – he always makes me laugh ❤

I got a lot of reading done for psych today 🙂 Really good feeling to put down the laptop and the phone and just read — the book that we use, Myers, is really interesting and fun to read actually! The exam is on Thursday — two more days to study! Ugh, I also have an Environmental Econ problem set that day too aaaah. Time for bed!!! I’ve got to get up so early tomorrow… Goodnight xo