When I was little, I always noticed people’s calves. It was like my indicator of how much I wanted to be that person… or that person’s friend. (Obviously, I feel really bad about this, but for some reason that was what I was thinking) If he/she had skinny ankles, and well-defined upper calves (but not too defined), I found that person instantly likeable. I myself had kind of chubby thighs with not much definition, so, um, yeah. I kind of hated it. I don’t have an eating disorder, and I didn’t do anything to try and change my calves – I think, laughably, I was too lazy to do anything about them, and I love food too much to deny myself. Anyway, it was just one of the things I obsessed about. I always checked out my calves in reflective surfaces – I just thought they would magically change, I guess.
Another thing: There’s this one little (increasingly large) spot on my head that I am obsessed with picking at.
I also pick at the skin near my thumbs.
I definitely do these things when I feel anxious, stressed out, and when I feel like I need control in my life.
And I desperately want to change these behaviors of picking at myself, because I want to love myself. I am my only me, and my biggest dream is to be a mom and to raise children, but how am I supposed to do that if I’m being mean to myself?
I’ve also been working on decreasing the amount of negative things I say to myself in my head. My goal isn’t to be egotistical at all, but when you look in the mirror every day and you tell yourself nasty things like “Ew, your pores are massive, and your face looks so ugly… Look at your hair!” Etc. etc. It may seem harmless, but your thoughts become what you project to the world… I just want to love myself. That’s my resolution not just for 2014 but also for however long it takes to change.
So, from now on, I will stop picking at my head and let my hair grow back. I will stop picking at my skin, which is just about the hardest thing ever for me. And I will try my hardest to put good things into my body.
I’m going to start a water count featured at the end of each blog post a day, so I can keep myself accountable. I hate drinking water. My mom and sister used to have to sit next to me and make sure I drank the cup of water they poured me – that’s how much I hate it. Now, I had a little lemon or lime to it, and it’s a little more bearable. Anyway, my goal will be to drink at least 40 ounces a day, which is a whole lot for me.
Today’s Water Count: 40 ounces