Hi! Let me introduce myself.

For my sociology class, we have an assignment to write about who we are – an autobiography for the first 20 years of our lives… and I figured that I would brainstorm here, so you can get to know me a little bit more.

I am incredibly cautious of other people. I have problems making eye contact when I’m talking to people – I’ve noticed this increasingly that even a lot of time with my boyfriend C, I avoid eye contact. Do I have a mental disease? Or am I shameful of who I am? Am I self conscious? What is going on here? I feel most in my element when I’m making people laugh, but when it comes to being serious and settling down into the boringness of life, I’m very quiet, very reserved – sometimes I feel like I like to occupy as little space as possible and just observe people like a fly on the wall – I think it’s annoying to talk just for the sake of talking.

My biggest dream would be to create content on YouTube. I’ve tried vlogging (video logging) several times, and I find that it would be easier if I could do it WITH someone and not just talk to a camera. Adding in a person like C would make the content a lot more interesting, because then we could bounce off of each other. Something about recording life is very comforting to me – being able to look back on my trip to Bermuda with my parents is kind of… incredible? 

On the other hand, I find it really peaceful to not talk at all. I don’t know, it’s just safe. I think that a lot of girls are really vicious, especially in college. It’s been hard for me to find genuine friends, and I feel like I really lost my identity when I came to college. I always feel like I’m a little girl watching the big kids do their thing – or the adults, I should say… I don’t want to be the silent one, but at the same time, this is how I’m comfortable. The certain girls that I fell into the crowd with are really loud and obnoxious and love to party and all that stuff. Drugs and drinking and smoking have always frightened me. I always felt “above” it, and I think that this gives me a really obnoxious air about me – I think it makes people think that I’m better than them when I actually really want to feel accepted by them, but I’m conflicted between my values and having people like me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t change myself. I should just be myself, and people who are truly interested in being my friend will be my friend. It’s easy to say that when you don’t feel alone though. 

Wow, I am tired. Tired. Tired. I had my first psychology midterm today – let me tell you: I am not good at tests. No matter how hard or long I study, I don’t do well on tests, but psychology is really interesting. I was lucky that the open response question was something that I knew. It was on the experiment with the rats and the effects that stress had on rats that were impregnated and their babies. This was a Thompson study if you want to look it up. Nature ended up being more important than nature.

I’ve always been the girl who stuck out. I played the violin in elementary school, and every Christmas, I would play a solo violin piece in front of the entire school. I loved being in the spotlight – I felt like being ostracized for being different was something to gloat about. I’ve always gotten very close (almost too close) with boyfriends, but when it came to girls that wanted to be my friend, I always ended up pushing them away. My earliest memory of having girlfriends was in kindergarten when these two groups of girls were fighting over me. One group: L & C, were doing cartwheels on one side of the playground, and T and a few other girls were trying to “steal” me away. It felt good to be wanted… but at the same time, I felt like it was a severely stressful debacle. Teachers always forgot about me, because I was so quiet. I remember in Kindergarten, we’d each get a little placard, and each week we’d get a certain number of stickers depending on how good we were… Once, my kindergarten teacher totally forgot to give me my placard back. In third grade, our teacher gave out a chocolate easter bunny each week to the student who was best behaved that week… She totally forgot about me. Every week, I was so excited to possibly be awarded and applauded for my good, quiet behavior, but it never came. In high school, I took German. I didn’t play sports, which made me not in the popular crowd. I was concert mistress for my orchestra, and I was even anti-social with the people in orchestra.

Boy, do I sound unlikeable!

I really rejected myself in elementary through high school. Honestly, I didn’t want to be categorized into the “typical Asians” group at any of my schools… but to be honest, I am extremely Asian in the way that I am really proud of my culture. I think Confucius is incredibly interesting. I think Ancient Chinese history and actually all of Chinese history to be incredibly interesting. I think Hello Kitty is cute. I like pink. I haven’t been able to admit that to myself ever. I never wanted to like pink, because I didn’t want to be seen as a typical girl. 

Hm. Seems like I’m learning a bit about myself here… More tomorrow. xo

I love Boo.

I got a Boo stuffed animal today, and it is so, so, so cute, and I didn’t even want to snip the tags off, but I did, and now we’re snuggling in bed together. Funny, wasn’t expecting to see this stuffed animal at Paper Source, but I did… I also bought an oreo cupcake from Party Favors that was pretty good — the frosting tasted a bit plastic-y though ick..

On my way to the Comm Ave shuttle bus from Cleveland Circle, I called C, because he sent me a text this morning saying that he missed me and wanted to hear the sound of my voice. It was so sweet 🙂 So I called him, and we talked about how he was waiting for his laptop’s keyboard to be fixed, and I talked about my idea for my public policy paper – women’s employment related to care of 65+ year old parents… I kind of don’t know at all what direction this paper is going to go, but I really want to do something interesting. He also kept trying to guess what I got him for his birthday, which is coming up really soon!! March 18th! He’s turning 22 – that’s kind of crazy. I’m turning 21 in August??? What?????? Really weird, I know. So I got him these sneakers from Steve Madden for $20! They were like $100 before, so I’m really happy about it.. 🙂 He guessed a loofah, because in a recent Good Mythical Morning episode (YouTube – Rhett and Link), Rhett mentioned that a loofah was on the top of his Valentine’s Day wish list, because he would be too embarrassed to buy a loofah himself… haha it’s so fun talking to C  – he always makes me laugh ❤

I got a lot of reading done for psych today 🙂 Really good feeling to put down the laptop and the phone and just read — the book that we use, Myers, is really interesting and fun to read actually! The exam is on Thursday — two more days to study! Ugh, I also have an Environmental Econ problem set that day too aaaah. Time for bed!!! I’ve got to get up so early tomorrow… Goodnight xo

100 Days of Happiness

I told my little cousin yesterday that he can’t live life trying to please everyone, and I think that I should take my own advice.

There’s always going to be someone who hates you a little bit for no reason. Everyone has their own problems, and I can’t spend my life trying to please people or spend so much time rewriting status updates and what not. From now on, I’m going to make an effort to mean what I say and say how I feel — to be more genuine on the internet, because those who are genuine are the most liked people! Shaycarl wouldn’t have gotten where he was if he wasn’t genuine. I’m going to work on embracing myself for who I am, so I can move on and grow.

Spent the day at a photoshoot for our club. Got lots of great pictures, and I felt way more comfortable at this shoot than I ever have with someone taking my picture! I think I’m starting to be a little more confident in myself. It’s a good feeling! I’m starting the 100 happy day challenge today — really awesome. Goodnight everyone! xo

Valentine’s Day & Other News xoxo

I remember how important it is to write down things so that I can look back and remember them one day. Today it snowed again, and I’m getting really tired of it. Seriously, weather gods, cut it out. It’s not funny anymore. Yup, we’re all going to die apocalyptically. 

Okay, so yesterday was Valentine’s day, and I didn’t go to school. I was going to, but I had just missed my train, and I was like, ok, shit, if I go now for my one class, I’m going to be late. Then, it started snowing sideways, and I was like, F this, peace out, I’m going to get my NEW LENS. I went to Hunt’s Photo Sho in Kenmore, and they didn’t have it. The guy there said that he would call me when they did, and so I went downstairs to Starbucks to mope around and look up other photo stores. When I came out of the shop though, K was there!!! It was so serendipitous and crazy and unexpected. And we both just looked at each other like Is this really happening?? And it was, and we talked about how crazy and stupid people are like we always do – I think it’s our “thing,” and then she had to go, because her boss was coming to pick her up for her job, and I went to starbucks, got a caramel frap (IT WAS DELICIOUS), and I overheard an interviewer interviewing an interviewee for a job, and this interviewee takes a call in the middle of her interview and proceeds to text. Like, what? Honestly? Come on. 

Anyway, then I went home and started to get ready, watched YouTube on how to Valentine’s day hair, whatever that means, curled my hair, C came over, and we hung out in my room, watched an amazing Bob Ross video of him painting a beautiful picture (I WOULD LOVE ONE OF THESE ONE DAY. TOTALLY AMAZING. AMAZEBALLS. SOOOO AMAZING.) Then, we played around with my lens, cuddled for a little bit, and we went out. We went to Shaws (Brown Sugar was closed for break…3-4. ugh.). At Shaws, we got 99 cent white bread (stupidly I thought the ducks would be out downtown at the Boston Common), I gave my plethora of Valentine’s Day candy that I had gotten from T and from my boss to a homeless person, and then we went on the bus to go to Kenmore — to go to UBURGER! I got a Stunt Double Burger with onion rings — it was good at the time, but I really regretted this decision later. Like, really. Then we went to the Boston Common, played with some squirrels, went to C’s house, looked at photo albums of him being a very strange looking baby, then we hung out, went to McDonalds, and he took me home. It was really nice. For the first time, I could really see myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with him in a very genuine way. It was genuine before, but this was on a whole other level. It’s just so nice to connect with someone on such a pure and genuine level – a genuine kind of love that has no other intentions – to truly love someone is a very raw and beautiful thing. You’re exposing yourself completely to this other person, and it feels …naked. When it hurts, oh, it hurts so so so so so bad. It feels like the end of the world. Nothing else matters. The pain pierces through every part of your body, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. No one can say or do anything to make you stop loving your love even if it hurts so much. But when it’s good, it’s heaven. That’s the best way I can describe it. It’s magical. It’s …yeah, it’s magical. 

So today was a bit of a lazy day. A and his mom came over to get advice about picking classes, and it was really good to be honest about my high school experience. I told them about how much I procrastinated studying and learning math concepts and how I would spend math class studying for AP Enviro (we just had so much reading every single night) — It felt good to be honest. It always feels good to be honest and to share experiences with A. My aunt told me about how when she was little, she hated history, because her history textbooks would be lies. She read many, many books, which is why she knew they were lies. My grandpa would insist that the textbooks were truth, because he was part of that “party.” I was afraid to ask what party she was referring to, and I’m just not going to think about it, I guess. Anyway, I shared my physics flashlight, which I really love — A is deciding between taking physics and chem, and I advocate for physics, but of course everyone is saying that physics is a lot of math…. but honestly, the math is not hard, and chem was harder for me to grasp… definitely. 

Today, mom told me to feel a bath mat. It was wet. She asked me what I felt. I said, it feels wet. Then she said, oh this is the princess lifestyle, she brings things up when they’re wet. I was soo confused and annoyed. Then I realized, she thought I had brought these clothes up. Nope. Then I reveled for a little while she complained, and I said, I didn’t bring them up. Then she said who did??? And I said, Dad did. And then she asked Dad…and he said he brought them up because the time on the dryer was up. And then, I was like I think you owe me an apology, and my aunt was laughing, and I got no apology. TYPICAL. TYPICAL. SO TYPICAL. SO ANNOYING. But it’s okay – since it clearly has not affected her day, I shouldn’t let it affect mine. Letting it goooo….

Goodnight. Xo

“Judge a man not by how he treats his equals but how he treats his inferiors.”

My sister came home for dinner today, and it was super awkward and quiet at dinner. Her left eye was all red for some reason, and my mom kept pointing it out, telling my sister that she needed to get more sleep, laughing about how my sister says she is so busy, and demanding that she drink the chicken soup she made especially for her. My sister is leaving to Mexico on Thursday – it’s supposed to snow on Thursday : 6 inches. I don’t know anymore, is that a lot? I just want the snow to end already.

I feel a LOT better today. I did pilates for blogilates – Cassey Ho is absolutely amazing. She is so encouraging that during her workout, I felt like crying, because I felt so incredibly connected to her. It made me think about how YouTube is revolutionizing the world, because Cassey does the full 30 minutes with you, so what’s the point of going to a class? I guess people are more held accountable if they pay money for a class and have to show up and do it in a group setting. I’m determined to continue doing at least one of these videos a day, because I feel GREAT!

My bottom left wisdom tooth is killing me. It’s growing in. My three other ones are just about all grown out… The reason why I’m not getting them taken out is because… like hell are you going to put me under and drag me to a dentist’s office unless it is absolutely necessary. I hate the doctor’s. I hate hospitals. I hope I just die in my sleep one day. I absolutely, absolutely am terrified by hospitals.

I entered a contest on Instagram today for some $400 boots… The idea was to come up with an outfit that you would wear with the boots. There are only three entries at this point: 1) one person didn’t even put up a caption with the outfit they’d wear with the boots 2) the second person didn’t come up with an outfit in the style that the person asked for 3) ME. I did it. Um, okay, so I’m hoping everyone forgets about it & time goes on faster so that I can win these boots basically by default. 

I did a lot of reading today – today was a much needed rest day. Back to reading and feeling myself again. :*

I make-a da List!

1. Went to Trader Joe’s today – got lots of probiotic smoothies for the morning, so I can start eating breakfast again — Maybe I’ve been feeling low lately because of my lack of breakfast??????? I also got a few pizzas & dad didn’t want me to because there’s apparently a lot of trans fat in it, but mom wanted it so he was overruled 😉 But I’m really glad that I’ve cut out eating entire pizzas at night, because that seems to have made me incredibly fat.. I haven’t been eating at night though for about 1 month, so that’s really good!!!!

2.  Did an environmental econ problem set…kind of tortuous, but it’s better than doing linear algebra or multivariable. 

3. A funny convo to remember:

Dad: I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.
Mom: Really? You snore when you’re on the couch after falling asleep watching TV every single day.
Dad: It happens because the throat *points to throat* gets smaller
Mom: So you’re saying you’re not sleeping when you’re snoring? Do you snore when you’re awake
Dad: ……………………….. Sometimes, it does. *looks to the side and laughs*

4. Made T some elastic bracelets for Valentine’s day

5. Stayed up too late

6. Excited for the week to pass by

7. Really, really, really debating getting the lens this weekend for my camera… I think it would be an AWESOME investment, honestly.

8. First midterm will be on next Thursday. Nervous? Yes, yes, yes. I’m so behind on reading… Good thing all of my classes are manageable though!!

9. Goodnight all. :*

Feeling Low.

I’ve been feeling so incredibly low these past couple of days…

C has about $1.08 in both his savings and checkings account combined, and he’s been really depressed, and his sleep clock is really off.. We went to Shabu yesterday, and it was really good, but C was really quiet… We also went to Mixx afterward, and that was nice – I got froyo with lots of strawberries and blueberries, as well as cookie dough and mochi. Yum 🙂

Today, I went fabric shopping with my sister, and we went to Michael’s, and I got lots of looping bands to make bracelets for people on Valentine’s day..

Man I don’t know. I just feel really out of it……… I just feel really sad… Help? I need a boost.. I’m going to bed now with the hopes of feeling better in the morning. I don’t know, I just feel like bursting into tears for no reason… There’s technically nothing wrong, but I feel like everything is. Do I have a condition?

I called C and he seemed really bummed out and wasn’t really talking much, so I accused him of not caring about me… I sound really unlikeable right now. I know. I hate getting into this loop of self-hate. It’s so toxic.

My wisdom teeth are growing in and the pain is killing me.

Why am I falling apart???? Really, it’s time for bed…