Healthy State of Mind

Wow. It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted on my blog! I remember the last time I posted was when I was working on my “autobiography” for sociology on the top floor of BU’s central library with Chris, and he wrote on a little note, “You’re cute.” 

Anyway, a lot has changed since I posted in the cold middle of winter. Well…actually, it’s still really cold.

I’ve been working out semi – regularly by following along with Blogilates videos, and I can feel my body getting stronger with every workout. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it feels amazing. I love this feeling of being in control of my body. I learned that your outsides are a reflection of your insides – I had never fully made this connection between my mental and physical state of mind before, but learning this really resonated with me.

I’ve stopped eating large quantities of unhealthy food in the middle of the night… and I learned that your physique is 80% determined by what you eat. I had just never really consciously thought about my health this way before – I went to get frozen yogurt with my mom, aunt, sister, dad, and A & A the other day… I had been eating healthy all day, and I figured it would be ok to have some frozen yogurt and cookie dough… It definitely wasn’t. I woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat and rushed to the bathroom — and spewed out of all my orifices. My body was punishing me…and the cookie dough was probably poisonous. Yay.

Btw, I went to visit popo yesterday, and she was so cute. I gave her my sister’s big white teddy bear to play with in her bed, and she started playing around with it and ended up tucking the teddy bear in right next to her. My popo is like a cute little kid now haha. I gave her an orange to eat, read for enviro, and kept her company until she fell asleep. Then, I went home & mom and dad were already home talking to the guys who are working on our roof. 

Mom called me this morning at 7:15, and I was so confused and nervous – she left the stove on with eggs in it, and she asked me if the fire alarm was going off. She said that maybe dad turned the stove off for her… When I went downstairs, the inside of the pot was totally black and charred. Mom said, “I almost burned down my house and [my name],” and I thought that was pretty sweet & it made me smile, but it was so early in the morning and it smelled so bad that I didn’t say so.. Gotta show my mom that I really love her this Mother’s Day, or every day actually… I’m working on expressing my emotions outwardly to people like my mom – every time I think about doing it, it makes me want to cry. K, I still have emotional issues, but who doesn’t?

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Hi! Let me introduce myself.

For my sociology class, we have an assignment to write about who we are – an autobiography for the first 20 years of our lives… and I figured that I would brainstorm here, so you can get to know me a little bit more.

I am incredibly cautious of other people. I have problems making eye contact when I’m talking to people – I’ve noticed this increasingly that even a lot of time with my boyfriend C, I avoid eye contact. Do I have a mental disease? Or am I shameful of who I am? Am I self conscious? What is going on here? I feel most in my element when I’m making people laugh, but when it comes to being serious and settling down into the boringness of life, I’m very quiet, very reserved – sometimes I feel like I like to occupy as little space as possible and just observe people like a fly on the wall – I think it’s annoying to talk just for the sake of talking.

My biggest dream would be to create content on YouTube. I’ve tried vlogging (video logging) several times, and I find that it would be easier if I could do it WITH someone and not just talk to a camera. Adding in a person like C would make the content a lot more interesting, because then we could bounce off of each other. Something about recording life is very comforting to me – being able to look back on my trip to Bermuda with my parents is kind of… incredible? 

On the other hand, I find it really peaceful to not talk at all. I don’t know, it’s just safe. I think that a lot of girls are really vicious, especially in college. It’s been hard for me to find genuine friends, and I feel like I really lost my identity when I came to college. I always feel like I’m a little girl watching the big kids do their thing – or the adults, I should say… I don’t want to be the silent one, but at the same time, this is how I’m comfortable. The certain girls that I fell into the crowd with are really loud and obnoxious and love to party and all that stuff. Drugs and drinking and smoking have always frightened me. I always felt “above” it, and I think that this gives me a really obnoxious air about me – I think it makes people think that I’m better than them when I actually really want to feel accepted by them, but I’m conflicted between my values and having people like me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t change myself. I should just be myself, and people who are truly interested in being my friend will be my friend. It’s easy to say that when you don’t feel alone though. 

Wow, I am tired. Tired. Tired. I had my first psychology midterm today – let me tell you: I am not good at tests. No matter how hard or long I study, I don’t do well on tests, but psychology is really interesting. I was lucky that the open response question was something that I knew. It was on the experiment with the rats and the effects that stress had on rats that were impregnated and their babies. This was a Thompson study if you want to look it up. Nature ended up being more important than nature.

I’ve always been the girl who stuck out. I played the violin in elementary school, and every Christmas, I would play a solo violin piece in front of the entire school. I loved being in the spotlight – I felt like being ostracized for being different was something to gloat about. I’ve always gotten very close (almost too close) with boyfriends, but when it came to girls that wanted to be my friend, I always ended up pushing them away. My earliest memory of having girlfriends was in kindergarten when these two groups of girls were fighting over me. One group: L & C, were doing cartwheels on one side of the playground, and T and a few other girls were trying to “steal” me away. It felt good to be wanted… but at the same time, I felt like it was a severely stressful debacle. Teachers always forgot about me, because I was so quiet. I remember in Kindergarten, we’d each get a little placard, and each week we’d get a certain number of stickers depending on how good we were… Once, my kindergarten teacher totally forgot to give me my placard back. In third grade, our teacher gave out a chocolate easter bunny each week to the student who was best behaved that week… She totally forgot about me. Every week, I was so excited to possibly be awarded and applauded for my good, quiet behavior, but it never came. In high school, I took German. I didn’t play sports, which made me not in the popular crowd. I was concert mistress for my orchestra, and I was even anti-social with the people in orchestra.

Boy, do I sound unlikeable!

I really rejected myself in elementary through high school. Honestly, I didn’t want to be categorized into the “typical Asians” group at any of my schools… but to be honest, I am extremely Asian in the way that I am really proud of my culture. I think Confucius is incredibly interesting. I think Ancient Chinese history and actually all of Chinese history to be incredibly interesting. I think Hello Kitty is cute. I like pink. I haven’t been able to admit that to myself ever. I never wanted to like pink, because I didn’t want to be seen as a typical girl. 

Hm. Seems like I’m learning a bit about myself here… More tomorrow. xo

I love Boo.

I got a Boo stuffed animal today, and it is so, so, so cute, and I didn’t even want to snip the tags off, but I did, and now we’re snuggling in bed together. Funny, wasn’t expecting to see this stuffed animal at Paper Source, but I did… I also bought an oreo cupcake from Party Favors that was pretty good — the frosting tasted a bit plastic-y though ick..

On my way to the Comm Ave shuttle bus from Cleveland Circle, I called C, because he sent me a text this morning saying that he missed me and wanted to hear the sound of my voice. It was so sweet 🙂 So I called him, and we talked about how he was waiting for his laptop’s keyboard to be fixed, and I talked about my idea for my public policy paper – women’s employment related to care of 65+ year old parents… I kind of don’t know at all what direction this paper is going to go, but I really want to do something interesting. He also kept trying to guess what I got him for his birthday, which is coming up really soon!! March 18th! He’s turning 22 – that’s kind of crazy. I’m turning 21 in August??? What?????? Really weird, I know. So I got him these sneakers from Steve Madden for $20! They were like $100 before, so I’m really happy about it.. 🙂 He guessed a loofah, because in a recent Good Mythical Morning episode (YouTube – Rhett and Link), Rhett mentioned that a loofah was on the top of his Valentine’s Day wish list, because he would be too embarrassed to buy a loofah himself… haha it’s so fun talking to C  – he always makes me laugh ❤

I got a lot of reading done for psych today 🙂 Really good feeling to put down the laptop and the phone and just read — the book that we use, Myers, is really interesting and fun to read actually! The exam is on Thursday — two more days to study! Ugh, I also have an Environmental Econ problem set that day too aaaah. Time for bed!!! I’ve got to get up so early tomorrow… Goodnight xo

100 Days of Happiness

I told my little cousin yesterday that he can’t live life trying to please everyone, and I think that I should take my own advice.

There’s always going to be someone who hates you a little bit for no reason. Everyone has their own problems, and I can’t spend my life trying to please people or spend so much time rewriting status updates and what not. From now on, I’m going to make an effort to mean what I say and say how I feel — to be more genuine on the internet, because those who are genuine are the most liked people! Shaycarl wouldn’t have gotten where he was if he wasn’t genuine. I’m going to work on embracing myself for who I am, so I can move on and grow.

Spent the day at a photoshoot for our club. Got lots of great pictures, and I felt way more comfortable at this shoot than I ever have with someone taking my picture! I think I’m starting to be a little more confident in myself. It’s a good feeling! I’m starting the 100 happy day challenge today — really awesome. Goodnight everyone! xo

“Judge a man not by how he treats his equals but how he treats his inferiors.”

My sister came home for dinner today, and it was super awkward and quiet at dinner. Her left eye was all red for some reason, and my mom kept pointing it out, telling my sister that she needed to get more sleep, laughing about how my sister says she is so busy, and demanding that she drink the chicken soup she made especially for her. My sister is leaving to Mexico on Thursday – it’s supposed to snow on Thursday : 6 inches. I don’t know anymore, is that a lot? I just want the snow to end already.

I feel a LOT better today. I did pilates for blogilates – Cassey Ho is absolutely amazing. She is so encouraging that during her workout, I felt like crying, because I felt so incredibly connected to her. It made me think about how YouTube is revolutionizing the world, because Cassey does the full 30 minutes with you, so what’s the point of going to a class? I guess people are more held accountable if they pay money for a class and have to show up and do it in a group setting. I’m determined to continue doing at least one of these videos a day, because I feel GREAT!

My bottom left wisdom tooth is killing me. It’s growing in. My three other ones are just about all grown out… The reason why I’m not getting them taken out is because… like hell are you going to put me under and drag me to a dentist’s office unless it is absolutely necessary. I hate the doctor’s. I hate hospitals. I hope I just die in my sleep one day. I absolutely, absolutely am terrified by hospitals.

I entered a contest on Instagram today for some $400 boots… The idea was to come up with an outfit that you would wear with the boots. There are only three entries at this point: 1) one person didn’t even put up a caption with the outfit they’d wear with the boots 2) the second person didn’t come up with an outfit in the style that the person asked for 3) ME. I did it. Um, okay, so I’m hoping everyone forgets about it & time goes on faster so that I can win these boots basically by default. 

I did a lot of reading today – today was a much needed rest day. Back to reading and feeling myself again. :*

Sleepy.

I wish I didn’t get so tired in the middle of the day.. Today ended up being a snow day, and I’m hoping for another one tomorrow, because I just don’t feel like going to school.. I’m feeling hot and cold at the same time 😦 Just feeling out of it – I can’t wait for the weekend. At least tomorrow is Thursday – my favorite day of the week 🙂 

Didn’t do much today! It’s 8:33 now, and the day is winding down, but I bet I’ll get a second wind and then stay up until 3am… I’m really trying not to let that happen by….ending this blog post.

Goodnight xo

You are confined only by the walls you build yourself

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SNOW DAY TOMORROW!!!!! YOLO. (haha, no I don’t actually say YOLO in real life) 

I’m getting this shirt to wear on Valentine’s day in honor of the day of love. I’m kind of excited! I love any excuse to celebrate love : ) I’m kind of sad that the holiday season is over, but I’m glad we have little holidays like Valentine’s day to get me through to next year… ; ) haha

I could NOT sleep last night whatsoever. I ended up missing (skipping) my 9am class and felt terrible about it…It was Environmental Econ. I guess our professor finally came back from her leave and I’ll never know why she was gone because I don’t talk to anyone in my class 😐 ugh. I also skipped Psych, because I just really wanted to go home…. I came home after going to Shaw’s and getting a cucumber and a lemon to do this:

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“Why this combo?

1. Cucumber: contains citrulline which is an amino acid that has been shown to help our liver and kidneys get rid of ammonia which is a by product of the proteins our bodies burn for energy.

2. Water: helps flush toxins and waste through our system while keeping us hydrated.

3. Lemon: stimulates the digestive track so it’s helpful if you have constipation, heartburn, or gas.

4. Mint: helps you digest effectively because it improves the flow of bile from the liver to the gallbladder to the small intestine to break down dietary fats. It also helps relax cramped up stomach muscles.

5. Orange: contains flavonoids in the peel and juice that stimulate the immune system and protects against a fungi/pests while helping to reduce cholesterol levels.”

So, anyway, I went to BU today to meet up with C, and we ended up going back to his house to cuddle. In his sleep, C kept telling me that he loved me, and he kept kissing me on my neck. It was so romantic… 🙂 His mom drove me home, and on the way we went to McDonalds (C got the 20 piece chicken mcnuggets & I got two mcchickens, fries, and a parfait – YUM haha) & to return 7 books that he borrowed from sci & engineering library :p his mom talked about possibly going to a karaoke night for C’s dad’s choir… yeah, I don’t think we’re going haha

Well, since tomorrow’s a snow day, we’re THIS much closer to the weekend hallelujah….I really need to stop skipping classes and start doing my readings more diligently… BAD N!

PRO TIP FOR PARENTING THAT I LEARNED TODAY – Instead of telling your child “You are so smart,” tell your child, “You worked so hard on that.” Children in a certain study involving puzzles who were told they were smart chose a less challenging puzzle to do next, because they still wanted to appear smart by being able to complete the puzzle… Children who were told that they worked so hard on the puzzle chose even more challenging puzzles in order to show off how hard they could work. Children in this second category take more risks and seem to be more true to themselves in the sense that they’ll go for what they really want instead of seeking approval… 🙂