My boyfriend. And his computer.

My boyfriend is incredibly cute. He likes to lie in bed with me with his palm propping up his head and telling me about his CS homework problems. After ten minutes of explaining a problem to me, well, it’s too much material for me to handle, but he’s very content and cute with explaining every last detail to me… and that’s just really cute. After I said “honey…..” and tried to roll away he grabbed me and held me and continued to explain stuff about multiple interfaces, so I tickled him. After making him very uncomfortable, he propped his head up again and said, “So, a value and a list…”

Oh my gooooosh begosh you are so cute. Let me take you home!!

Today’s the last day of classes. I got a B+ on my huge paper for public policy and a 35/40 on one of my enviro econ problem sets… Two more classes and I’m done!

Going somewhere fun tonight…in Fenway… 🙂

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Hi! Let me introduce myself.

For my sociology class, we have an assignment to write about who we are – an autobiography for the first 20 years of our lives… and I figured that I would brainstorm here, so you can get to know me a little bit more.

I am incredibly cautious of other people. I have problems making eye contact when I’m talking to people – I’ve noticed this increasingly that even a lot of time with my boyfriend C, I avoid eye contact. Do I have a mental disease? Or am I shameful of who I am? Am I self conscious? What is going on here? I feel most in my element when I’m making people laugh, but when it comes to being serious and settling down into the boringness of life, I’m very quiet, very reserved – sometimes I feel like I like to occupy as little space as possible and just observe people like a fly on the wall – I think it’s annoying to talk just for the sake of talking.

My biggest dream would be to create content on YouTube. I’ve tried vlogging (video logging) several times, and I find that it would be easier if I could do it WITH someone and not just talk to a camera. Adding in a person like C would make the content a lot more interesting, because then we could bounce off of each other. Something about recording life is very comforting to me – being able to look back on my trip to Bermuda with my parents is kind of… incredible? 

On the other hand, I find it really peaceful to not talk at all. I don’t know, it’s just safe. I think that a lot of girls are really vicious, especially in college. It’s been hard for me to find genuine friends, and I feel like I really lost my identity when I came to college. I always feel like I’m a little girl watching the big kids do their thing – or the adults, I should say… I don’t want to be the silent one, but at the same time, this is how I’m comfortable. The certain girls that I fell into the crowd with are really loud and obnoxious and love to party and all that stuff. Drugs and drinking and smoking have always frightened me. I always felt “above” it, and I think that this gives me a really obnoxious air about me – I think it makes people think that I’m better than them when I actually really want to feel accepted by them, but I’m conflicted between my values and having people like me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t change myself. I should just be myself, and people who are truly interested in being my friend will be my friend. It’s easy to say that when you don’t feel alone though. 

Wow, I am tired. Tired. Tired. I had my first psychology midterm today – let me tell you: I am not good at tests. No matter how hard or long I study, I don’t do well on tests, but psychology is really interesting. I was lucky that the open response question was something that I knew. It was on the experiment with the rats and the effects that stress had on rats that were impregnated and their babies. This was a Thompson study if you want to look it up. Nature ended up being more important than nature.

I’ve always been the girl who stuck out. I played the violin in elementary school, and every Christmas, I would play a solo violin piece in front of the entire school. I loved being in the spotlight – I felt like being ostracized for being different was something to gloat about. I’ve always gotten very close (almost too close) with boyfriends, but when it came to girls that wanted to be my friend, I always ended up pushing them away. My earliest memory of having girlfriends was in kindergarten when these two groups of girls were fighting over me. One group: L & C, were doing cartwheels on one side of the playground, and T and a few other girls were trying to “steal” me away. It felt good to be wanted… but at the same time, I felt like it was a severely stressful debacle. Teachers always forgot about me, because I was so quiet. I remember in Kindergarten, we’d each get a little placard, and each week we’d get a certain number of stickers depending on how good we were… Once, my kindergarten teacher totally forgot to give me my placard back. In third grade, our teacher gave out a chocolate easter bunny each week to the student who was best behaved that week… She totally forgot about me. Every week, I was so excited to possibly be awarded and applauded for my good, quiet behavior, but it never came. In high school, I took German. I didn’t play sports, which made me not in the popular crowd. I was concert mistress for my orchestra, and I was even anti-social with the people in orchestra.

Boy, do I sound unlikeable!

I really rejected myself in elementary through high school. Honestly, I didn’t want to be categorized into the “typical Asians” group at any of my schools… but to be honest, I am extremely Asian in the way that I am really proud of my culture. I think Confucius is incredibly interesting. I think Ancient Chinese history and actually all of Chinese history to be incredibly interesting. I think Hello Kitty is cute. I like pink. I haven’t been able to admit that to myself ever. I never wanted to like pink, because I didn’t want to be seen as a typical girl. 

Hm. Seems like I’m learning a bit about myself here… More tomorrow. xo

I love Boo.

I got a Boo stuffed animal today, and it is so, so, so cute, and I didn’t even want to snip the tags off, but I did, and now we’re snuggling in bed together. Funny, wasn’t expecting to see this stuffed animal at Paper Source, but I did… I also bought an oreo cupcake from Party Favors that was pretty good — the frosting tasted a bit plastic-y though ick..

On my way to the Comm Ave shuttle bus from Cleveland Circle, I called C, because he sent me a text this morning saying that he missed me and wanted to hear the sound of my voice. It was so sweet 🙂 So I called him, and we talked about how he was waiting for his laptop’s keyboard to be fixed, and I talked about my idea for my public policy paper – women’s employment related to care of 65+ year old parents… I kind of don’t know at all what direction this paper is going to go, but I really want to do something interesting. He also kept trying to guess what I got him for his birthday, which is coming up really soon!! March 18th! He’s turning 22 – that’s kind of crazy. I’m turning 21 in August??? What?????? Really weird, I know. So I got him these sneakers from Steve Madden for $20! They were like $100 before, so I’m really happy about it.. 🙂 He guessed a loofah, because in a recent Good Mythical Morning episode (YouTube – Rhett and Link), Rhett mentioned that a loofah was on the top of his Valentine’s Day wish list, because he would be too embarrassed to buy a loofah himself… haha it’s so fun talking to C  – he always makes me laugh ❤

I got a lot of reading done for psych today 🙂 Really good feeling to put down the laptop and the phone and just read — the book that we use, Myers, is really interesting and fun to read actually! The exam is on Thursday — two more days to study! Ugh, I also have an Environmental Econ problem set that day too aaaah. Time for bed!!! I’ve got to get up so early tomorrow… Goodnight xo

100 Days of Happiness

I told my little cousin yesterday that he can’t live life trying to please everyone, and I think that I should take my own advice.

There’s always going to be someone who hates you a little bit for no reason. Everyone has their own problems, and I can’t spend my life trying to please people or spend so much time rewriting status updates and what not. From now on, I’m going to make an effort to mean what I say and say how I feel — to be more genuine on the internet, because those who are genuine are the most liked people! Shaycarl wouldn’t have gotten where he was if he wasn’t genuine. I’m going to work on embracing myself for who I am, so I can move on and grow.

Spent the day at a photoshoot for our club. Got lots of great pictures, and I felt way more comfortable at this shoot than I ever have with someone taking my picture! I think I’m starting to be a little more confident in myself. It’s a good feeling! I’m starting the 100 happy day challenge today — really awesome. Goodnight everyone! xo

“Judge a man not by how he treats his equals but how he treats his inferiors.”

My sister came home for dinner today, and it was super awkward and quiet at dinner. Her left eye was all red for some reason, and my mom kept pointing it out, telling my sister that she needed to get more sleep, laughing about how my sister says she is so busy, and demanding that she drink the chicken soup she made especially for her. My sister is leaving to Mexico on Thursday – it’s supposed to snow on Thursday : 6 inches. I don’t know anymore, is that a lot? I just want the snow to end already.

I feel a LOT better today. I did pilates for blogilates – Cassey Ho is absolutely amazing. She is so encouraging that during her workout, I felt like crying, because I felt so incredibly connected to her. It made me think about how YouTube is revolutionizing the world, because Cassey does the full 30 minutes with you, so what’s the point of going to a class? I guess people are more held accountable if they pay money for a class and have to show up and do it in a group setting. I’m determined to continue doing at least one of these videos a day, because I feel GREAT!

My bottom left wisdom tooth is killing me. It’s growing in. My three other ones are just about all grown out… The reason why I’m not getting them taken out is because… like hell are you going to put me under and drag me to a dentist’s office unless it is absolutely necessary. I hate the doctor’s. I hate hospitals. I hope I just die in my sleep one day. I absolutely, absolutely am terrified by hospitals.

I entered a contest on Instagram today for some $400 boots… The idea was to come up with an outfit that you would wear with the boots. There are only three entries at this point: 1) one person didn’t even put up a caption with the outfit they’d wear with the boots 2) the second person didn’t come up with an outfit in the style that the person asked for 3) ME. I did it. Um, okay, so I’m hoping everyone forgets about it & time goes on faster so that I can win these boots basically by default. 

I did a lot of reading today – today was a much needed rest day. Back to reading and feeling myself again. :*

I make-a da List!

1. Went to Trader Joe’s today – got lots of probiotic smoothies for the morning, so I can start eating breakfast again — Maybe I’ve been feeling low lately because of my lack of breakfast??????? I also got a few pizzas & dad didn’t want me to because there’s apparently a lot of trans fat in it, but mom wanted it so he was overruled 😉 But I’m really glad that I’ve cut out eating entire pizzas at night, because that seems to have made me incredibly fat.. I haven’t been eating at night though for about 1 month, so that’s really good!!!!

2.  Did an environmental econ problem set…kind of tortuous, but it’s better than doing linear algebra or multivariable. 

3. A funny convo to remember:

Dad: I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.
Mom: Really? You snore when you’re on the couch after falling asleep watching TV every single day.
Dad: It happens because the throat *points to throat* gets smaller
Mom: So you’re saying you’re not sleeping when you’re snoring? Do you snore when you’re awake
Dad: ……………………….. Sometimes, it does. *looks to the side and laughs*

4. Made T some elastic bracelets for Valentine’s day

5. Stayed up too late

6. Excited for the week to pass by

7. Really, really, really debating getting the lens this weekend for my camera… I think it would be an AWESOME investment, honestly.

8. First midterm will be on next Thursday. Nervous? Yes, yes, yes. I’m so behind on reading… Good thing all of my classes are manageable though!!

9. Goodnight all. :*

Feeling Low.

I’ve been feeling so incredibly low these past couple of days…

C has about $1.08 in both his savings and checkings account combined, and he’s been really depressed, and his sleep clock is really off.. We went to Shabu yesterday, and it was really good, but C was really quiet… We also went to Mixx afterward, and that was nice – I got froyo with lots of strawberries and blueberries, as well as cookie dough and mochi. Yum 🙂

Today, I went fabric shopping with my sister, and we went to Michael’s, and I got lots of looping bands to make bracelets for people on Valentine’s day..

Man I don’t know. I just feel really out of it……… I just feel really sad… Help? I need a boost.. I’m going to bed now with the hopes of feeling better in the morning. I don’t know, I just feel like bursting into tears for no reason… There’s technically nothing wrong, but I feel like everything is. Do I have a condition?

I called C and he seemed really bummed out and wasn’t really talking much, so I accused him of not caring about me… I sound really unlikeable right now. I know. I hate getting into this loop of self-hate. It’s so toxic.

My wisdom teeth are growing in and the pain is killing me.

Why am I falling apart???? Really, it’s time for bed…