My boyfriend. And his computer.

My boyfriend is incredibly cute. He likes to lie in bed with me with his palm propping up his head and telling me about his CS homework problems. After ten minutes of explaining a problem to me, well, it’s too much material for me to handle, but he’s very content and cute with explaining every last detail to me… and that’s just really cute. After I said “honey…..” and tried to roll away he grabbed me and held me and continued to explain stuff about multiple interfaces, so I tickled him. After making him very uncomfortable, he propped his head up again and said, “So, a value and a list…”

Oh my gooooosh begosh you are so cute. Let me take you home!!

Today’s the last day of classes. I got a B+ on my huge paper for public policy and a 35/40 on one of my enviro econ problem sets… Two more classes and I’m done!

Going somewhere fun tonight…in Fenway… πŸ™‚

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Hi! Let me introduce myself.

For my sociology class, we have an assignment to write about who we are – an autobiography for the first 20 years of our lives… and I figured that I would brainstorm here, so you can get to know me a little bit more.

I am incredibly cautious of other people. I have problems making eye contact when I’m talking to people – I’ve noticed this increasingly that even a lot of time with my boyfriend C, I avoid eye contact. Do I have a mental disease? Or am I shameful of who I am? Am I self conscious? What is going on here? I feel most in my element when I’m making people laugh, but when it comes to being serious and settling down into the boringness of life, I’m very quiet, very reserved – sometimes I feel like I like to occupy as little space as possible and just observe people like a fly on the wall – I think it’s annoying to talk just for the sake of talking.

My biggest dream would be to create content on YouTube. I’ve tried vlogging (video logging) several times, and I find that it would be easier if I could do it WITH someone and not just talk to a camera. Adding in a person like C would make the content a lot more interesting, because then we could bounce off of each other. Something about recording life is very comforting to me – being able to look back on my trip to Bermuda with my parents is kind of… incredible?Β 

On the other hand, I find it really peaceful to not talk at all. I don’t know, it’s just safe. I think that a lot of girls are really vicious, especially in college. It’s been hard for me to find genuine friends, and I feel like I really lost my identity when I came to college. I always feel like I’m a little girl watching the big kids do their thing – or the adults, I should say… I don’t want to be the silent one, but at the same time, this is how I’m comfortable. The certain girls that I fell into the crowd with are really loud and obnoxious and love to party and all that stuff. Drugs and drinking and smoking have always frightened me. I always felt “above” it, and I think that this gives me a really obnoxious air about me – I think it makes people think that I’m better than them when I actually really want to feel accepted by them, but I’m conflicted between my values and having people like me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t change myself. I should just be myself, and people who are truly interested in being my friend will be my friend. It’s easy to say that when you don’t feel alone though.Β 

Wow, I am tired. Tired. Tired. I had my first psychology midterm today – let me tell you: I am not good at tests. No matter how hard or long I study, I don’t do well on tests, but psychology is really interesting. I was lucky that the open response question was something that I knew. It was on the experiment with the rats and the effects that stress had on rats that were impregnated and their babies. This was a Thompson study if you want to look it up. Nature ended up being more important than nature.

I’ve always been the girl who stuck out. I played the violin in elementary school, and every Christmas, I would play a solo violin piece in front of the entire school. I loved being in the spotlight – I felt like being ostracized for being different was something to gloat about. I’ve always gotten very close (almost too close) with boyfriends, but when it came to girls that wanted to be my friend, I always ended up pushing them away. My earliest memory of having girlfriends was in kindergarten when these two groups of girls were fighting over me. One group: L & C, were doing cartwheels on one side of the playground, and T and a few other girls were trying to “steal” me away. It felt good to be wanted… but at the same time, I felt like it was a severely stressful debacle. Teachers always forgot about me, because I was so quiet. I remember in Kindergarten, we’d each get a little placard, and each week we’d get a certain number of stickers depending on how good we were… Once, my kindergarten teacher totally forgot to give me my placard back. In third grade, our teacher gave out a chocolate easter bunny each week to the student who was best behaved that week… She totally forgot about me. Every week, I was so excited to possibly be awarded and applauded for my good, quiet behavior, but it never came. In high school, I took German. I didn’t play sports, which made me not in the popular crowd. I was concert mistress for my orchestra, and I was even anti-social with the people in orchestra.

Boy, do I sound unlikeable!

I really rejected myself in elementary through high school. Honestly, I didn’t want to be categorized into the “typical Asians” group at any of my schools… but to be honest, I am extremely Asian in the way that I am really proud of my culture. I think Confucius is incredibly interesting. I think Ancient Chinese history and actually all of Chinese history to be incredibly interesting. I think Hello Kitty is cute. I like pink. I haven’t been able to admit that to myself ever. I never wanted to like pink, because I didn’t want to be seen as a typical girl.Β 

Hm. Seems like I’m learning a bit about myself here… More tomorrow. xo

You are confined only by the walls you build yourself

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SNOW DAY TOMORROW!!!!! YOLO. (haha, no I don’t actually say YOLO in real life)Β 

I’m getting this shirt to wear on Valentine’s day in honor of the day of love. I’m kind of excited! I love any excuse to celebrate love : ) I’m kind of sad that the holiday season is over, but I’m glad we have little holidays like Valentine’s day to get me through to next year… ; ) haha

I could NOT sleep last night whatsoever. I ended up missing (skipping) my 9am class and felt terrible about it…It was Environmental Econ. I guess our professor finally came back from her leave and I’ll never know why she was gone because I don’t talk to anyone in my class 😐 ugh. I also skipped Psych, because I just really wanted to go home…. I came home after going to Shaw’s and getting a cucumber and a lemon to do this:

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“Why this combo?

1. Cucumber: contains citrulline which is an amino acid that has been shown to help our liver and kidneys get rid of ammonia which is a by product of the proteins our bodies burn for energy.

2. Water: helps flush toxins and waste through our system while keeping us hydrated.

3. Lemon: stimulates the digestive track so it’s helpful if you have constipation, heartburn, or gas.

4. Mint: helps you digest effectively because it improves the flow of bile from the liver to the gallbladder to the small intestine to break down dietary fats. It also helps relax cramped up stomach muscles.

5. Orange: contains flavonoids in the peel and juice that stimulate the immune system and protects against a fungi/pests while helping to reduce cholesterol levels.”

So, anyway, I went to BU today to meet up with C, and we ended up going back to his house to cuddle. In his sleep, C kept telling me that he loved me, and he kept kissing me on my neck. It was so romantic… πŸ™‚ His mom drove me home, and on the way we went to McDonalds (C got the 20 piece chicken mcnuggets & I got two mcchickens, fries, and a parfait – YUM haha) & to return 7 books that he borrowed from sci & engineering library :p his mom talked about possibly going to a karaoke night for C’s dad’s choir… yeah, I don’t think we’re going haha

Well, since tomorrow’s a snow day, we’re THIS much closer to the weekend hallelujah….I really need to stop skipping classes and start doing my readings more diligently… BAD N!

PRO TIP FOR PARENTING THAT I LEARNED TODAY – Instead of telling your child “You are so smart,” tell your child, “You worked so hard on that.” Children in a certain study involving puzzles who were told they were smart chose a less challenging puzzle to do next, because they still wanted to appear smart by being able to complete the puzzle… Children who were told that they worked so hard on the puzzle chose even more challenging puzzles in order to show off how hard they could work. Children in this second category take more risks and seem to be more true to themselves in the sense that they’ll go for what they really want instead of seeking approval… πŸ™‚

Β 

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” -Steve Jobs

C, my boyfriend, has been making me sad lately. He tells me that he has trouble falling asleep, because he often thinks about losing me, or him dying & me losing him… It’s just depressing. For years, I’ve been “supportive,” and I thought that it was really sweet… but last night, I honestly started feeling annoyed. I told him that he just had to try harder to go to sleep, because not sleeping had caused ME to become depressed, over eat, not exercise, and lose focus. He told me that I was being really unsupportive… and that worries me. If we’re married one day, and he’s acting a certain way & can’t help the way that he’s acting, am I just supposed to be supportive, and say, “Oh, honey, everything will be okay,” instead of trying to help him? I guess I’m not allowed to say anything, because I’ll be the “nag.” UGH. I can’t wait for that title. He says that I’m just supposed to trust him to do the right thing… and I want to, but it’s been years. Obviously, I don’t want to be his mother, but I really care about him. At least he’s not doing drugs, right? I’m a huge worrier.

Should I just focus on myself and not worry about him?

Help?